Maintaining Healthy Boundaries
in Relationships
How are your relationships? Do you say “yes” when you want to say “no"? Do you refuse to take “no” for an answer? Do you take on more tasks than are reasonable or healthy? Do you rescue people when they fail to plan, or expect others to rescue you when you fail to plan? Do you wear yourself out trying to please others and give in to what they want without taking yourself into consideration? Do you expect others to regularly meet your wants even if it inconveniences them? These are signs your boundaries could use a tune up.
What is a boundary? It is a limit; something that separates one thing from another. The place where your kitchen ends and the dining room begins is a boundary. The dividing line between one country and another is a boundary. With people a boundary defines what is “me” and what is “not me.”
Several categories of people with relationship boundary problems have been identified. Two of them are: those who let their toes get stepped on, and those who do the toe stepping. Or put another way, those who don’t speak up against what is bad for them, and those who use manipulation to violate the boundaries of others.
At least two types of personal boundaries exist: physical and emotional/psychological. You might have boundary problems in one area but not the other or in both areas.
Physical boundaries are usually easier to identify. Think about or picture your body. That is your “me.” You end there. That is the limit of your physical boundary. Everyone else and everything else is “not me.”
Infants do not distinguish between themselves and the rest of the world. Developmentally this is normal. Nursing babies, especially, sense their body and their mother’s are one. But healthy mothers know the difference. Nursing is a wonderful bonding experience; however, after months of nursing, many women look forward to “getting my body back.” They know they are a separate being from their child. Timely separation is another normal developmental experience. When a child does not clearly learn where he ends and another begins, that blur of boundaries is a set up for a lifetime of relationship difficulties.
Emotional and psychological boundaries can be elusive, especially when we are not taught to be aware of them. Many people simply don't realize that they are without boundaries and that this is causing difficulties in their relationships. For others they are aware of the pattern but don’t change due to fear (those whose toes are stepped on), enjoyment of power (the toe steppers), or lack of information how to change (both groups).
Unhealthy physical boundaries include:
touching a person without their permission, or not stopping someone from touching you without your permission
trespassing in someone’s home, room, or office, or on someone’s property without their permission, or not preventing someone from entering your home, room, or office, or onto your property without your permission
borrowing another person’s possessions without their permission, or not forbidding someone from using your possessions without your permission.
Emotional/psychological boundaries are often subtler and people tend to be less aware when these problems are happening. They usually sense something is wrong, but have difficulty naming what is troubling them.
Some unhealthy emotional/psychological boundaries are:
thinking or making decisions for someone who is developmentally old enough to do these for themselves, or letting someone else think for you or make decisions you should make for yourself
controlling another’s thoughts or behavior, or giving over control of your thoughts and behavior to someone else
letting someone take responsibility for your misbehavior, or taking responsibility for someone else’s misbehavior
setting limits that are too tight, or not setting tight enough limits
believing and acting as though what you want is more important than what another person wants, or believing and acting as though what you want is not important in comparison to other people
While both those who don’t speak up against what is bad for them, and those who use manipulation to violate other’s boundaries live out unhealthy situations, it is most often the ones who are stepped on and finally say “enough” who look for help.
The toe stepper rarely says “what I am doing is unhealthy and I need to learn to stop.” After all, they are getting their way and are rarely motivated to give up this powerful feeling. The toe stepper may have that vague feeling something is wrong in a relationship, but not be in an emotional position to acknowledge their contribution to the problem. As a result, the problem usually falls to the one being stepped on, and is theirs to solve in order to get out of their pain.
Having boundary problems may not be your fault, but is your responsibility to correct them. While you do not have the power to change how other people TRY to treat you and your property, you have the power to decide how you and your property WILL be treated. Consider this carefully. Yes, you get stepped on or you step on others, but YOU ALLOW THIS TO HAPPEN! Your job is to learn how to stop allowing it. Success depends upon you.
What do you need to succeed in order to develop healthy boundaries?
a strong desire to have healthy boundaries
accurate assessment of your situation and how you want to be different
training in a proven method for learning and practicing healthy limit-setting
wise counsel
responsible preparation before taking action
persistence
adequate support to resist increased pressure to continue practicing unhealthy boudaries
willingness to accept the potential loss of relationship with those people who reject your new-found healthy limits
belief that moving on to healthy relationships will provide years of an enriched, satisfying life.
The people who truly want to be in a healthy relationship with you will accept and welcome your new-found boundaries. Nurture these relationships and celebrate your growth! You can turn your present pain into a lifetime of successful relationship boundaries.
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