Marriage Problems are Solvable
Do you wish your marriage felt better to you? Do you have some minor relationship problems you would like to fix? Or maybe you have some problems that feel huge and you are tired of them. Either way, you want less pain and more pleasure in your marriage. This article addresses some things we know about relationships, what works and doesn't work in relationships, and offers two alternatives for creating healthier marriages.
Conflict, even in the best marriages, is inevitable. For some couples it creates underlying unease in a relationship. For others it causes major problems. How we deal with conflict leads to either a painful or pleasurable conclusion. Our natural desire is to find a pleasurable solution, but most couples don't know how to recover when they experience relationship problems. Usually they keep doing over and over what they know to do hoping this time it will work, but it doesn't. They can't figure out what to do differently. Most of the time people don't know how to successfully communicate and productively solve problems together. This is one reason why 75% of all new marriages end up either in separation or divorce, or unhappily staying wed.
We have "built in" needs; needs with which we are born. These include air, water, food, and shelter. Other built in needs we have are for physical closeness and emotional openness; what we call "bonding." Without the skills to confide openly and honestly, listen empathically, and solve problems effectively in an environment of good will and trust, we are unable to bond successfully.
Our education for learning how to communicate and handle relationship problems usually comes from watching our parents. We copy what they do. If our parents did not show us healthy skills for communicating and resolving conflict, we need to look somewhere else to learn these skills for success in our marriages.
When you don't know how to communicate and solve problems as a couple and you have children, they are unable to learn these skills from you. In turn, they grow up not knowing how to have healthy relationships. The result is an intergenerational problem: kids grow up having the same relationship struggles their parents have.
By learning and doing what works, couples can break the pattern of unhealthy communication and create intergenerational health: happy, healthy parents raise happy, healthy families. Your children, in turn, have the capacity to pass relationship health on to the next generation. Now there's a legacy worth leaving behind!
So where can you go to learn these skills? Both
marriage counseling
and
relationship psychoeducation for couples
have demonstrated effectiveness. Successful appoaches include: learning proven skills for communication and confiding effectively,
resolving misunderstanding and conflict productively, healing old relationship wounds, and
increasing intimacy successfully.
Many people are familiar with marriage or relationship counseling where you meet regularly over a period of time with a counselor or therapist. The primary focus is on your relationship rather than on individual issues. Together with your counselor, you identify and dissolve the barriers to resolving your conflicts.
Benefits of relationship counseling include the privacy of the counseling session, a focus on your specific relationship needs, and flexibility in scheduling appointments.
An outstanding alternative or addition to marriage counseling is relationship psychoeducation for couples. Psychoeducation is not therapy. It is the education of a couple about how to:
identify healthy and unhealthy relationships,
turn relationship pain into pleasure,
maintain relationship health, and
recognize signs of relapse before their problems worsen again.
One such program is
The Fast Track to Healthy Relationships for Couples
offered in workshop format. As in marriage counseling, the focus is on the relationship rather than the individual. You, along with other couples, receive information through short lectures. Following each lecture, you, with your partner, learn and practice a new skill. Some of these skills or "tools" are designed to use daily while other tools are for use as the need arises.
While people sometimes express concern about sharing their problems in the presence of other couples, workshops have their own set of benefits. Usually couples value from seeing their problems are a lot like the problems other couples have. They tend to gain encouragement from experiencing not just their own immediate positive results, but also the rapid changes of the other participants.
In
The Fast Track to Healthy Relationships for Couples,
each personal exercise is practiced alone with your partner. You share as much or as little lnformation as you want with the whole group. It is common for any initial discomfort you have to go away early in the workshop. Another benefit of this workshop: a couple is likely to spend significantly less time and money to obtain positive results.
Do you have difficulty imagining transforming your relationship pain into relationship pleasure with your partner? Whether you choose marriage/relationship counseling or relationship psychoeducation, most marriage problems are solvable when both partners decide they want to have a more satisfying, pleasurable relationship together.
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