Protecting Marriages from
Past Friendships

My college alumni magazine arrived by snail mail. Usually it gets recycled, unread. But this issue’s cover featured a former classmate and friend. I remember him for the kindness and generosity he shared with me, and generally, with everyone. Nice guy. In the hours before I had the chance to read the accompanying article, I experienced a flood of memories of good times long ago filed away in my brain.

I haven’t seen Dave since our 1977 graduation. We wrote once, maybe twice, and then lost track of each other as we went about our separate lives. It is exciting to discover Dave is married, has his PhD, is a leader in his field and a generous contributor to charity. He has done well, and is making a significant contribution in the world. The photo layout includes pictures of him with President Obama, Bill and Hilary Clinton, and his wife.

Sooo… being the relationship-oriented person I am, I decided to contact Dave to congratulate him. On my evening walk I began to compose in my head what I would write. Dear Dave…

And then… being the relationship-oriented person I am, I came to a dead halt. Contact Dave? Not a good idea.

Why not? I’m likely to be given a hard time for my ultra-conservative thinking, but here goes. I am at risk for overstepping relationship boundaries. The evidence is out there: unexpected reconnection with opposite-gender friends from the past can lead to varying levels of relationship problems in marriage and couples relationships.

I hear it from clients, I hear it from other relationship specialists, I hear it from friends, and I read about it in current publications and research. Finding and reconnecting with opposite-gender friends from the past and old flames can damage couples’ relationships. Due to Facebook, other social networking sites on the internet, Google searches, and, as I’ve just discovered, college alumni magazines, it is quite easy to re-establish contact with people from our past. The result: trust issues in relationships are on the rise.

Isn’t the decision not to contact him rather prudish and stuffy? Some of you will think so. Others of you, from experience, won’t think so.

What is the harm in contacting Dave for friendly, heart-felt congratulations? I just want to say “hi, saw the article, what a surprise, well done.” We never had any boundary problems in college, and I have no intention to start any now.

Note the four operative words above: “I have no intention.” Who knows what my contact might trigger. Swimmers learn never to dive headfirst into unfamiliar water because they don’t know what is beyond what they can see. It’s a reckless action.

Unexpected contact as I’ve described here has comparable risks. Dave’s wife doesn’t know me. I don’t know what their relationship is like. What if my contact unintentionally triggered conflict between them? I do not want an innocent action on my part causing pain in their relationship.

Yes, I have some sadness because I feel the need to hold back, that this kind of relationship issue exists today. Still, I will leave that chapter of my life closed and live the one I have open now. It is what I choose.

So, congratulations, Dave, on being a winner. I hope you’ve been as successful in your marriage as you have been in your career. I won’t be contacting you to say so, but I’ll offer up a prayer for you and your wife.

Sign Up Now! Email: